God in a Box

God in a box

"Lord, as I read your word today, reveal what needs to be revealed and conceal what needs to be concealed."

Yes. That used to be my prayer. When I would sit down for my quiet time I would ask God to conceal His word from my heart. I thought there were things he didn't want to share with me. 

I had God in a box. 

It was a lovely box. If the box had been one that  you could see and open, I imagine it was silver with a white satin bow wrapped around it. From the outside it looked like a beautiful gift. One wrapped with care and given with love. I really loved adding my own jewels to it so it looked even more beautiful to anyone who saw it. 

There was just one problem with my beautiful gift,  I would spend hours trying to pry it open with my fingers. I would shake the box, tap the box, and throw it against the wall. All the while the key was right there on the table next to the box. My fingers would get callused and my heart discouraged when the latch wouldn't budge. Finally, i would give up and put my beautiful box on a shelf and forget about it until I really needed it. 

Then one day I was sitting with a group of girls holding my box in my lap, when one of the girls spoke this wisdom in front of me. Her words met my ears and fell on my heart.

I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is the same as the mighty strength he exerted when he raised Christ from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, (Ephesians 1:17-20 NIV)

God, Jesus, Holy Spirit, my Father, my creater, my provider, my protector, my constant companion, comforter, teacher, groom wishes for nothing to be with held from me.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will (Ephesians 1:3-5) 

 I repent of asking the Lord to conceal His word from me. I brake every agreement I made with spiritual darkness by speaking those words. I  release wisdom and revelation and come into alliance with the Kingdom of God,  in Jesus name.  I desire for the Holy Spirit to unleash the Word of God on me.  Overflow and overwhelm me with understanding. Hold nothing back. 

Box opened. 

Heart beat = Heart beat

Until the summer that I turned 19 I thought I knew what life had to offer.. In one year, my parents got a divorce, I dropped out of high school, I got pregnant and had an abortion, and my own brother was ripped out of my life only to be seen behind a glass window.

I expected to be hurt. I expected that no one wanted to be bothered. But, I knew I could smile through anything.

I was 18 the first time my eyes ever met a positive pregnancy test. Sitting there, on a toilet in a little house I was completely and totally caught off guard. I had not expected this. I stared hard at the stick that was changing my life; like a tiny plastic magic wand with pee all over it. I double checked the instructions hoping I'd got it wrong. Oh how I wanted it to be wrong.

I spent the next 4 weeks pretending the test was wrong. Living as if there wasn't another heart beating inside of me, I filled my body with unbelievable amounts of cocaine and vodka, all the while, saving and borrowing money for the $250.00 abortion. Smiling.

I went to a Pregnancy Crisis Center to get the proof of pregnancy I needed in order to get an abortion. It was free. I endured the kindness from the older women who volunteered there. I even sat through all of their pro life videos. I smiled the whole time. They told me my due date was Feb 19, 1999. I went home and scheduled my abortion appointment for July 14, 1998. The amount of drugs and alcohol I was using increased. On July 5 I was kicked out of my house. I slept in a park, couch hopped, and used people. Still smiling.

I was relieved, when I drove into the parking lot of the West Side Clinic to find the protesters had taken the day off.  It was a Tuesday. I was prepared for this day. I'd done everything they'd said to do. I'd taken a warm bath. I packed my bag with everything they had listed. I also brought $250.00 cash, my I.D., and proof of pregnancy. Smiling, I walked into the clinic.

I struck up conversations with everyone in the waiting room.  I sat next to a young couple who was aborting their baby that day because it just wasn't good timing.  On the other side of me was a dancer who was worried because they said she had to be off of her feet for 6 weeks. Behind me was a mother and her 14 year old daughter. The mother said she just couldn't wait to put all of this behind them.  I was there because I was afraid to tell my mom I was pregnant.

I remember getting a sonogram that day.  I giggled when I asked the woman, who wouldn't smile at me, if it was a boy or a girl. She didn't look at me but she said, "It's a boy." I knew she couldn't know and I wondered why she said that.  She kept looking at the tv screen where she could see my baby's heart beating.

During "the procedure" (the moment I ended my child's life) I was fully aware of what was happening.  My heart started beating really fast because I had just changed my mind but I knew it was too late. My baby was in pieces somewhere close by. Heart not beating.

A few hours later I was resting at my friend's house in their parent's bed.  The pain I felt was extraordinary; both physical and emotional. I writhed. I sobbed.  I wanted to take it back. The next morning when I woke up, my heart was hard. Still smiling.

But Jesus...

I spent a lot of years convincing myself that I was an exception. That I hadn't been effected by my abortion.  I started to believe in Jesus when I was 22. Although I hadn't given my life to Him yet.  But in my belief, I believed that I needed to tuck this abortion thing into the dark parts of my heart. He could just let me handle that because I was under the impression that he only dealt with nice girl problems.  But Jesus didn't just die for good girls.

Jesus didn't leave me laying there on that table in the abortion clinic.  He's walked a long hard road with me, loving me, repairing me, putting broken pieces back together, and giving me reasons to really smile.

But Grace....

One day the Lord, very quickly and quietly, told me this, "You didn't want your baby so I happily took him back."

I gave my life to the Lord, like, no take backs, gave my life to the Lord. on Aug 26, 2012.   I gave him cigarettes too.  I was a 2 pack a day smoker and he told me to give him my cigarettes and he would give me something even better than sitting on my porch smoking.  He gave me photography.  He gave me birth photography.

But Redemption....


On Friday, March 22, 2013...13 years, 8 months, and 8 days after my abortion, I met a girl who found Embrace Grace. A girl, who probably looked at her own pregnancy test and thought the timing was not right. She may have thought an abortion would be a quick and easy way to put it all behind her.  She may have even been afraid to tell people she was pregnant.  But she chose to do something amazing.

The Father, my Father who made my heart beat, plopped me right down in the middle of the birth of this amazing girl's baby.  The baby that would not go to her arms the moment it took it's first breath but would be passed to another woman.  This amazing girl chose to let her body be stretched, torn, and bruised so her baby could live, take a breath, and be loved.

My friend stood next to the amazing girl while she worked hard to bring their baby into this world. I was there when the baby was passed from the amazing girl's body to my friend's waiting arms.  10 years of waiting behind her and a lifetime ahead of her. In a moment of memories, breath, life, and happy tears my friend was holding the person who will call her "Mommy".

I smiled.  I smile.

Kingdom Come

He Calls Me Rebekah

Can I be honest? Actually, can I be bold?  Un-apologetically bold?

I'm going to expose Satan's lies today and stomp on his head. And then I'm going to bring glory to the Father.  I need your help.  I'm going to make a list of lies that I've believed.  When you read a lie that you've believed, will you confess to your Father - who tells you the truth - that you have believed that lie and promise you'll never believe it again.  Then, call a sister and tell them you've believed a lie. Ask if they've believed the same lie and then tell them it's NOT true.  Then, share the truth.

Satan is a liar, but he's not a very creative one.  He tells us girls the same lies over and over again.  The tricky part is, he makes his thoughts sound like our thoughts. Because he knows we'll believe or own voice.

Exposing Satan's Lies:

Lie #1: If these girls knew who I really was/what I was really like, they wouldn't want to be my friend.

Lie #2:  I need to fix my husband.

Lie #3:  I need to clean up/hide this mess.

Lie#4:  My kids deserve a better mom/I'm not a good mom.

Lie #4:  My kids deserve a better looking mom.

Lie #5:  My husband deserves a better wife/better looking wife.

Lie #6:  People don't really want to be my friend.  They think they're helping me but they'll stop calling soon.

Lie #7:  I have no one.

Lie #8:  They wouldn't care anyway.

Lie #9:  I suck.

Lie #10:  I'm not good at anything.

Lie #11:  I should probably just believe all of the hurtful things others have said about me.

Lie #12:  They're talking about me behind my back.

If I've left anything out, please, leave it in the comments.

Stomping on Satan's head:

In no particular order.

Step one:

Identify the lie.

"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." 2 Corinthians 10:5

Step two: 

Renew your mind.

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2

Step three:

Praise.

"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." Phil 4:8

Step four:

Do this.

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.13Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place,15and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people." Eph 6:10-18

Step 5:

Tell a friend. 

Don't keep secrets for Satan.  

Glory to God!

In moments of believing Satan, I find myself lying face down in the darkness on the longest darkest day.  I put my hands over my teary eyes to shield them from any light that may be trying to get in.  My Savior King lies next to me, stroking my hair, and He whispers to me while I sob and I ask him to pull me closer.

He says, "Do you know what I call you?"

I sigh and whisper, "No."

"Ask me." He says.

Before I can finish the question, He whispers, "Rebekah."

Genesis 24 introduces Rebekah, the bride of Isaac, the son of Abraham.  As I re-read the chapter He, Jesus, guides me into understanding the parallel between Rebekah and Isaac and Jesus and His bride; Abraham's servant as the Holy Spirit and the gifts he brings Rebekah. 

He, Jesus, shows me that I am LOVED.  I am CHOSEN.  I am WATCHED CLOSELY.  I am GIFTED. I am a BRIDE.  When all of these things are the truth then no lie can be believed or rest on me. Every thought that is not my own is exterminated.        

Littleness

This little house is quiet tonight. The house still smells like the meat loaf muffins that I burned mixed with the aroma of my dinner, falafel.

Husband and big brother are in my bedroom bonding over video games while little brother and I play in the living room under lamp light and a murmuring television.

Little brother is up way past his bed time (almost 2 hours) because he's making me laugh. Several times i've blown up a whoopsie cushion for him and then he places it on the floor and rolls his body over it. Now he's become bored with me and he's laying on the floor quietly examining my hat.

Little brother is getting bigger, smarter, and funnier. And I am writing this for no other reason than to freeze this moment and have it forever. I'm breathing in the lamp light and letting little brother's little sounds and chatter wash over me.

Moments a little more meaningful...

Father of Glory!

Give me a spirit of wisdom and revelation, of insight into mysteries and secrets in the deep and intimate knowledge of you.  Lord, flood my eyes with light so that I can know and understand the hope to which you have called me.  Thank you Lord that you have set me apart and I have a rich and glorious inheritance through you.  Lord, give me full understanding of the immeasurable and unlimited and surpassing greatness of your power in and for me. The same power you exerted in Christ when you raised him from the dead and seated him at your own right hand in the heavenly places. (Eph 1:17-20)

When I'm staring at my own baby while he sits at the table coloring and my heart breaks for children who were terrified and exposed to things too dark. While my little boys are laying on the ground belly laughing and for a long moment I'm aware of laughter that has been replaced with thick silence.  I think of the peanut butter sandwich that won't be made. The picture that won't be taken. A present that won't be opened   And then He comforts me...

I see Christ at the right hand of the Father.  His right hand is on my left shoulder.  He reminds me that he doesn't just offer us Eternal Life but that his very nature is Eternal Life.  In those two words, the Spirit in me filtered through my fleshy brain, tries to grasp the intensity and fullness of  Him.  The TV preacher says this life is short, ugly, and violent and we won't all leave this earth in 90 year old bodies, warm in our beds.

I'm shifting my perspective.  If His very nature is Eternal Life then my very nature is Eternal Life.

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Matthew 5:4

Crackers and Grape Juice

My Granna's church is a building I have not step foot in since I was a child but if I could write a scent you would get a big whiff of perfume and cologne, flowers, old paper, and most of all, grape juice.  I remember sitting in church between my Granna and her friend.  I would hold the silver communion plate while they each took their little cup of grape juice and then I watched as they carefully broke off the the tiniest chip of cracker.  As a child I thought the size of the communion held some meaning; as if the person with the smallest portion was the winner.  It turns out there's just not enough crackers for everyone to get there own and nobody wants to drink a full glass of warm grape juice.  Especially old people who burp a lot anyway. 

When I was in middle school, I went to a private Christian school.  The most popular punishment for an over active child was "Saturday School".  "Saturday School" was me filling all of the communion plates with crackers and grape juice for the upcoming weekend services.  This chore was a tedious and time consuming one.  Imagine for a second how long it would take one child (with ADHD) to fill hundreds of tiny cups with grape juice and not spill a single drop.  Now imagine me eating a whole cracker and drinking a full glass of warm grape juice because I didn't eat breakfast and it was almost lunch time.  If you add up all the tiny chips of cracker I ate then I really could skip communion for the rest of my life.

On August 26, 2012 I was standing with the rest of my church worshiping my Father.  He spoke to me and said one word, "Communion".  God does this really cool thing with me.  He speaks a word and then I do a word study on it and then He rocks my world.  That's exactly what happened that day.

Think for a second.  If someone asked you what communion is, how would you define it?

This is how I would have defined it:

"Well, Jesus said to remember Him, and the way we remember him is by eating bread and that represents His body and then we drink grape juice and that represents His blood which he shed for us."

This is how Merriam Webster defines it:

"intimate fellowship or rapport: communication"

Stop me if none of the following is new to you, but my world has been shaken.

This is how God defines it:

"The cup of blessing [of wine at the Lord’s Supper] upon which we ask [God’s] blessing, does it not mean [that in drinking it] we participate in and share a fellowship (a communion) in the blood of Christ (the Messiah)? The bread which we break, does it not mean [that in eating it] we participate in and share a fellowship (a communion) in the body of Christ?" 1 Corinthians 10:16

"The grace (favor and spiritual blessing) of the Lord Jesus Christ and the love of God and the presence and fellowship (the communion and sharing together, and participation) in the Holy Spirit be with you all. Amen (so be it)." 2Cor 13:14

"No one who abides in Him [who lives and remains in communion with and in obedience to Him--deliberately, knowingly, and habitually] commits (practices) sin. No one who [habitually] sins has either seen or known Him [recognized, perceived, or understood Him, or has had an experiential acquaintance with Him]." 1 John 3:6

This is what I got:

1.  Communion is more than grape juice and crackers.  Communion is acknowledgment, fellowship, prayer, knowing His Word, serving, worship, discussion, telling people about communion.  

2.  In order to abide in Him; remain in communion with Him; to live a life without limits; to love Him with all of our heart, soul, mind, and strength we need to deliberately, knowingly, and habitually remain in obedience to Him.

For me, that was giving up certain foods that I idolize.  Now every time I choose to eat something other than the foods I really don't need, it's communion. Every bite of wholesome, healthy, fresh food, is communion.

3.  When I keep my eyes on Him, when I choose to remain in communion with Him, He gives me revelations about grace and I am more aware of His constant presence. 

It's good. Oh and my pants are bigger. BONUS!